Dr. Bonomi’s Rules to Wrangle Perfectionism

When businesses are young, they tend to be energetic, chaotic, and sometimes a little messy. They’re carried by inspiration, enthusiasm—and fear. New business owners welcome customers of all kinds, and sometimes make compromises to keep the lights on. As the business develops, it becomes more mature and stable. Goals generally become clearer and loftier. No longer struggling, and faced with limited time, energy, and resources, business owners must carefully cultivate which customers to nurture and take on.

It’s guaranteed that during our lives we will lose not only people, but also animals, things and situations dear to us. Some of these losses will be expected, maybe even planned; other times they will be out of the blue, a shock to our system. Either way, we will find ourselves grieving.

For the past 2 years, I have been the sport psychology speaker at USEF’s National Pony Finals at the Kentucky Horse Park in Lexington, KY. In this blog, I’m going to summarize some of the information that I offered to those young riders, their trainers and parents, with the hope that it will be helpful to others too.

Everything is one step at a time. No matter where we’re headed, or what level we ride, the execution is in the present, one stride at a time.

In my daily work I find that we women and our younger counterparts regularly rip the rug out from under ourselves, tearing away at our own self esteem and confidence. We overly question ourselves, doubt ourselves, defer to others’ opinions, and criticize ourselves in destructive ways. It’s time to stop and reorient.

As a top show groom, you know that your life is not ‘normal’ or balanced. You don’t expect it to be. You must enjoy the challenge, the excitement, and day to day life with show horses and their people. If you are feeling stuck, unmotivated, exhausted, or overwhelmed, try to give yourself some time to step back and think about why and what changes that can be made. Your horses (and your team) will be grateful, because, as you well know, they depend on you.

Frustration is an agitated, uncomfortable, and unhealthy mental state to occupy for too long. While I certainly appreciate your situation, I encourage you to find a way to accept what you cannot control. Since you are older and have lived a lot of life in and out of the saddle, I am sure you have had to deal with other external situations that are beyond your influence. To live a good life, we have to actively cultivate resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, and to respond positively to the challenges we encounter.

I suggest designating a specific time period for your preparation. It might be 30-45 minutes or so. Giving yourself a time frame will help you create a boundary around your preparation, and will allow you greater freedom to break away from the group. Then, do separate yourself physically. Find a quiet spot to get on your boots and coat, or go take a walk and sit quietly for a few minutes while you clear your mind and get focused.

I urge you to carry with you a good dose of compassion, reasonableness, and humor as you step into the warm-up ring. Don’t expect miracles, aim to warm up, and do your best to stay present with yourself and your horse. If things start to unravel, take a moment to breathe and regroup. Maybe walk around the ring once and then start again. Rather than feeling like victim of the warm-up, take charge and manage the situation as best you can. And, remember: the warm up ring is simply for warming up. That’s it.